July 2017 - Tim and I had been thinking a lot about pregnancy. Three of our best friends were expecting and it seemed like all summer we talked about babies. We both sensed God was preparing our hearts for the next chapter of our marriage. One morning as I was getting ready, Tim asked me how many birth control pills I had left for that month. As I took the pill, I smiled and said none! He smiled back and said good, I think we should stop using it. My heart stopped. I literally felt the blood rush into my face as if my brain was sucking all the oxygen in to process what I had just heard. You see, Tim is a thinker. He thinks about things way before I do and expresses them when he has finished thinking things over. I, on the other hand, am a gotta get this off my chest kinda girl. So this news took me by surprise! My heart was overwhelmed with joy as I knew my prayers were being answered. Then fear sat it. What if it takes a while, what if we can't get pregnant, what if we DO get pregnant! I think I'm ready for a baby but I am NOT ready to be a mom! Emotions flooded my mind and out my mouth they went! I just remember hugging Tim and hearing his sweet remember that God is and will always be in control.
September 2017 - The test was positive. I couldn't believe my eyes. I took so many tests that all came back negative... I had just returned from my best friend's wedding in California and I felt like crap. I was exhausted and nauseated so I decided to try again and take a test. Positive (+). I took another. Positive (+). You would think I would cry or scream or jump for joy, but instead, I felt peace. I calmly found Tim sitting on the couch and told him to come here. He thought he was in trouble. I took him to the tests and showed him. His face was priceless. Joy, overwhelming joy came over him. And we embraced! It was so moving that we held one another for a solid five minutes! Our due date was set somewhere between May 5 and May 13, 2018.
Late September / Early Oct 2017 - Hello disappointment and anger. I had multiple ultrasounds after I found out I was pregnant. About once or twice a week, I would either scan myself or have a coworker look. I'm an ultrasound tech, it happens. It got to the point that I had to make myself only be scanned on Mondays. Well, each scan that Tim could be a part of, I would get so excited thinking this would be the day we would see our baby's heart beat. And each time, there would be nothing. The sac was there, but we were told to keep waiting, that we were just too early and we had to be patient. A week later, my grandma Sue passed away suddenly. I left for Michigan and prayed God would give me peace and give me strength. Oh and patience. Because I have none of that!
October 10, 2017 - I returned to work after a long exhausting trip to Michigan. My emotions were everywhere. All I wanted to see is a healthy baby with a heartbeat. Tim was traveling for work and was heading back that day. It was a busy and hard tournament where I barely got to talk to him. So I had another ultrasound. And it was not the news I wanted. The gestational sac had continued to grow but there was no baby to be found. My heart was broken because I knew what I was looking at. I went and discussed the news with my doctor. She hugged me. And said she was so sorry. What else can you really say in that moment? We went over my options and I chose to go the surgery route. It was set for Thursday, Oct 12. The Tuesday I found out is a day I won't forget. I stayed at work that morning, overwhelming peace and grace took over. However, by noon I broke down and went home. Tim arrived home shortly after with flowers. He knew something was wrong.
It wasn't suppose to be us. And then it was us. Our baby we prayed for, gone. Heartbreak doesn't even begin the express the feelings we faced. But our source of comfort, peace, rest and hope is found in God and that is where we placed ourselves.
Many may not understand how we can still love God through this, but we do. We take comfort in knowing our baby is with Him. Even while we still had the hope of pregnancy, we prayed God would let our baby have a purpose. And we believe, in the few short months we knew about our baby, that it has given us purpose. A new purpose to help those who have suffered through the same misery of loosing a baby. We believe in God's word and what He has written in 2 Corinthians 1: 3-5 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
Tim and I are heartbroken to share this experience with you, yet hopeful at the same time. We say all this to let you into our lives. To have you pray for us because our hearts are still healing, and with the hope that somewhere, someone will be touched by our story and know that there is hope.
- Katie
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I do not know you, but someone I know shared your post with me knowing that I have also experienced miscarriages and was hoping I could minister to you. I wrote about it as well when it happened to me the first time which was 10 years ago this month. All in all I have experienced five. The last one being 4 years ago last month. Each one is different. Yet my experience is different than yours in that I already had one living, breathing child in my arms before ever having a miscarriage. That I think is a big difference. But, my sister in law had your experience. She now has two boys. But does that matter? I don't know your future. I don't know what God has in store for you. All I know is that He is allowing your heart to be utterly broken at this moment. But I know He does this in love and not to cause you unnecessary pain. I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone. Yet, now, I would never undo any of the miscarriages I had. Not that I would have written my life story that way. Not that I want another one. But, they each were good for me. Very good. I can say that now. I couldn't say that from where you are right now. But, perhaps hearing me say it years away from my own miscarriages will give you comfort that one day your heart will be able to heal and one day you will be able to look back on this horrendous time period and see that beauty has come from it and you would never ever trade what God has chosen to do in your life. Crying with you. Knowing the road ahead will include many, many hard moments and many, many tears. Yet also knowing that you have the opportunity to know God in a deeper way than you have ever known Him before. Praying for you.
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